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dimanche 13 septembre 2009

Handling Anger The Multidimensional Jelaila Starr

It's the best article I've ever read about handling anger be it personalized or impersonalized.

Jelaila found 5 values to anger when used properly:

  1. Anger acts as a protective mechanism, sort of like a fire alarm. Our Inner Child uses it to alert us to the fact that we have been, or will shortly be, emotionally and/or physically violated.
  2. Anger when expressed shows our Inner Child that we love him/her because he/she has alerted us to possible danger and we listened and responded. In essence, we walked our talk. We showed by our action that we do care enough about him/her to protect him/her.
  3. Anger can be cathartic when expressed in the moment, cleansing the body of the emotional/physical violation so that it doesn’t get stored.
  4. When expressing anger in a relationship to clear a violation, or our fear of a one, we remain current with our feelings, and thus, open and honest with our partner.
  5. Expressing anger and then validating the pain it causes to the listener can build trust between individuals in a relationship faster than just about anything. It can strengthen and deepen a bond much faster than if no anger is ever expressed.

Jelaila distinguishes 2 types of anger:

Impersonalized or Non-Personalized Anger

It's anger that one person vents or expresses around another that is not personally about the listener, says Jelaila.

To be able to allow venting in your presence, goes on Jelaila, you need a venting agreement:

  • We agree to allow each other to vent anger in our presence without fear of being made wrong, fixed or shut down.
  • We agree that when we are the Listener (the person listening to the vent), we will be supportive and empathetic.
  • When we are the Ventor (the person venting), we agree to only express anger that is not aimed at the Listener and to thank that person and show appreciation afterward.

Jelaila gives you guidelines for using this agreement:

  1. The Ventor does not aim his/her vent at the Listener.
  2. The Listener agrees to listen to the vent without making the ventor wrong, trying to fix the situation, or shutting them down. The listener agrees to be a supportive and empathetic listener.
  3. The Ventor agrees that once he/she is done expressing that he/she will return and thank the listener, and show appreciation for the gift of this loving service.

Personalized Anger

It's anger that one person vents or expresses at another and which is about the listener, says Jelaila.

She provides the tools to handle this kind of anger:

  • You and the other person agree to allow yourselves to express anger at the other without fear of being invalidated, made wrong, fixed or shut down.
  • You agree that when one of you is angry at the other, that person will listen to the vent and validate the angered party without defending and apologizing where necessary.
  • Once the angered party has been validated and had time to calm down, he/she agrees to look at how he/she may have helped to create the situation which caused the anger, and to take responsibility, apologizing where necessary.
  • Find your part in co-creating the conflict that resulted in hurt and anger. You can’t fully clear the pain of the event, nor learn how to prevent the same response, until you see how you used your power to create it and the reason why.

Key Points that Jelaila invites you to remember :

  1. Anger is a part of being human and serves a vital purpose.
  2. Anger must be released from the body in order to remain healthy.
  3. To handle anger properly, we need agreements in all relationships for it.
  4. Validation is the key to releasing the pain of the anger from the body.
  5. Once we are validated we can then be open to seeing the other side of a conflict and not until.
  6. Once we see the other side, to clear the conflict and restore the balance, we must own our part in co-creating the conflict. We must see the mirror.
  7. Once we see the mirror and own it, we move into compassion…gratitude and appreciation for the opportunity to clear our emotional baggage and obtain that soul growth that caused us to incarnate in the first place. And just as important, we express appreciation and gratitude for the partner, friend or loved one who cares enough to participate in the learning with us.
  8. To avoid conflicts, instead of jumping to conclusions and making assumptions about another’s’ actions, give them the benefit of the doubt. Ask questions to make sure you have a reason to be upset. The more we integrate our fears, the easier this will be.

To learn more from the experience of Jelaila, read the 3 parts of this important subject :

Part I
Part II
Part III

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